


Gilderoy's Downfall

by Tranquil_Tevine



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Also a bit of a rebel, Harry's a prankster, My sense of humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-20 04:22:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9475427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tranquil_Tevine/pseuds/Tranquil_Tevine
Summary: Harry's sick to death of that blonde pain in the arse (Not Malfoy). His opportunity for payback comes in the form of some innocent little questions.





	

**Author's Note:**

> It's another one of these just lingering in my documents, not doing anything xD

Harry took one look at his morning class and groaned, before beginning to bash his head repeatedly on the table, strands of hair dipping into his cereal.

 

“What's up mate?” Was what Ron was trying to say, but sounded more of a mumble if anything else due to the vast amounts of food stuffed in his cheeks.

 

“Honestly Ron, manners!” Harry heard Hermione chide while he silently passed his timetable over to Ron, head still on the desk.

 

“Bugger.” The redhead stated. Before Hermione could lecture him on language, Harry took his timetable back, pinning his friends with the most helpless and resigned gaze he could.

 

“Couldn't have put it better.” He sighed.

 

“Harry I'm sure he'll be a wonderful teacher, give him a chance.” Hermione looked over her own schedule and Harry held back a laugh when he saw the little hearts dotted around wherever they had DADA.

 

He checked his watch, it was time to be off. Preparing himself for 2 hours of misery, he stood up, swinging his bag over his shoulder. He looked at Hermione before walking at a fast pace.

 

“Just because you fancy him.” “HARRY!” He ducked a flying sausage and sprinted to class, Ron's laughing ringing in his ears, causing a grin to appear on his own face.

 

The raven haired youth barely held back a sneer as he took a seat at the back of the classroom, Hermione and Ron sitting together on the table across from him. Every inch of the room was wallpapered with that smarmy ponce's idiotic face, with teeth so blindingly white fucking planes would mistake it for a landing signal.

 

He'd first met Lockhart in Diagon Alley within Flourish & Blotts, the up his own arse wizard had dragged him on the elevated platform where he was, but quickly let him ago when Harry had aimed an overpowered stinging hex into his rear. Gilderoy Lockhart, minus his relatives and perhaps Snape, were the worst kind of people. The man practically screamed fraud. It was just as well he received the books free of charge, he wouldn't have shit in his hand to receive the copies, let alone actually pay money for them. He wasted no time in dumping them into the black lake, happy for whatever sea creatures were down there to use them as food or latrines.

 

 _'Speaking of the idiot.'_   Harry thought darkly.

 

There he was, emerging from his office, smarmy as can be.

 

“Allow me to introduce you to your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher; me.” Harry snorted. Well no shit? “Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award. But I don't talk about that; I didn't get rid of the Banden Banshee by smiling at him.”

 

His laugh grated on Harry's nerves. He was so far up his own arse not even Accio could forcibly remove his head from it. He would love nothing more than to kick his teeth in. He was positive Snape would have done a better job, he and Harry didn't see eye to eye sure but he'd learn more from the man than he ever would with Lockhart. How could anyone like him, much less his smart and knowledgeable friend Hermione? Harry shook his head, before blinking a few times as sheets of paper fluttered over to everyone's desks.

 

Harry guessed what they had to do by scanning the contents before the man had to even say anything. It was quiz questions based on his book, Magical Me. He'd barely glanced at the title let alone read it! He groaned when there looked to be at least 50 questions before a gleam entered his eye. Picking up his quill, he eagerly got to work, snickering to himself.

 

Harry glanced at the finished questions with a self-satisfied smirk. He checked over his answers while he had 5 minutes to spare.

 

 **Name:**   _Mildehoy Cockfart_

 

 **Question 1:** What is Gilderoy's favourite colour? - _Mustard yellow, the same colour as my vomit once its expelled across the classroom floor from his nauseating features._

 

 **Question 2:** What is Gilderoy's Lockhart's secret ambition? - _To murder those who dare to have prettier and more genuine features than he, stealing their good looks to try and fail to enhance his own._

 

 **Question 3:** What, in your opinion, is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date? - _Remaining alive and unhexed by the majority of the Wizarding World, because God knows I'd love to get a few in._

 

 **Question 4:** How many times has Gilderoy Lockhart won Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award? - _Many times most likely, though I have a suspicion they mistook his face for his arse._

 

 **Question 5:** In his book Break with a Banshee, how did Gilderoy Lockhart bravely banish the Bandon Banshee? - _He probably blinded the poor sod with his unnaturally coloured teeth._

 

 **Question 6:** Which is Gilderoy Lockhart's best side for photographs? - _None, not even Colin Creevey wants a shot of that mug._

 

 **Question 7:** Has Gilderoy Lockhart ever won the Dunstable Duelling Championship for wizards or just been pipped at the post? - _He was probably the dueller's dumping site, what with all the shit he spews out of his mouth._

 

 **Question 8:** Which product does Gilderoy Lockhart use to clean his teeth with to achieve his famous dazzling white smile? - _His own semen, wouldn't surprise me._

 

 **Question 9:** Which is the personal name which Gilderoy Lockhart has given to his broomstick? - _Lockhart 'can't get it up' Junior._

 

 **Question 10:** When is Gilderoy Lockhart's birthday and what would his ideal gift be? - _I'm not sure of his birthday, but his certificate was a letter of apology from St Mungo's for the failure of contraceptive potions. Also, a life-size inflatable doll of himself._

 

On the sly, Harry waved his wand beneath his desk, muttering a duplication charm he learned earlier on in the week when Hermione had used it to copy her notes for him when he was resting up in The Hospital wing. He sneaked that copy into his bag, having no doubt that Lockhart wouldn't return his if he could even identify his writing since he hadn't put his own name down. Unlikely, considering it was his first lesson with the man.

 

“Time is up!” The smiling fool called out with joy. Harry barely stopped himself from rubbing his hands like a stereotypical villain, all he needed was a comfortable swivelling chair and a furry white cat.

 

He watched with a smug smile on his face as the papers were collected in, the man reading through them individually. Harry could tell when he got to his because an ugly pink flush ignited his face.

 

“Who wrote this?” He demanded, shrieking in the most girlish manner. He looked like he was going to start having a temper tantrum like a petulant 5-year-old.

 

When no one answered, he screwed up the answer sheet in a little ball, before storming out. Harry was one of the first to leave, as he had a certain pair of twins to find...

 

On reflection, Harry was glad that the coped version of his Quiz answers didn't copy his handwriting, it just looked like your usual stamped out copperplate. He decided to seek them out in their usual corner of the Gryffindor common room as chances are, they would be there as it was the last class of the day for everyone. He had taken an instant liking to the twins since he had met them on the train and though Ron and Hermione were his best friends, he made friends outside of his house and was polite to the Slytherins, who in turn were cautiously polite back. Even Malfoy was civil to him and he was at least attempting to bridge the rift caused by the Gryffindor/Slytherin rivalry over god knows how many years now.

 

“Herald,” Harry stated, watching the portrait swing open to admit him into the common room. Sure enough, he found the pair probably plotting some prank or other.

 

“Hey, Harry!” They spoke simultaneously upon spotting their young friend.

 

“I need you two to do me a favour.”

 

So he spent the next few minutes explaining along the lines of what he wanted to be done and the next few laughing uproariously with Fred and George when they'd read his answers.

 

“Harry my young friend-” Fred started, slinging an arm around his shoulders.

 

“-You've come to the right people.” George finished, slinging an arm around his shoulders as well.

 

“The game is on.” Harry grinned, barely restraining himself from rubbing his hands in glee.

 

Looking back on that day, Harry would go as far as to say it was the best moment of his life, he'd had so few. Everyone had a copy of Harry's quiz answers and Lockhart seemed to tinged pink cheeks as a fashion accessory. The more he attempted to get rid of them, the more that would appear. What made things worse was the occasional snickering from members of staff, Professor Snape included much to everyone's shock. Perhaps not the Slytherins, as they knew their head of house better than any of the other students.

 

The added fairy attire for each time he tried to get rid of the Quiz answers probably contributed something. While he did have blonde hair, Harry honestly felt that he did Tinkerbell an injustice. Her ego couldn't engulf the whole of Hogwarts.

 

Needless to say that Lockhart certainly didn't quiz his students again, that, Harry made sure of.

**Author's Note:**

> It's nuts, but then again most of my writing is :)


End file.
